“…You, the righteous God who probes minds and hearts.” Psalm 7:9b
Journaling is something I’ve come to enjoy over the past four years as I study God’s Word. One way I learn is by writing and rewriting information. That was a strategy I incorporated when I was a student and have continued to use as a student of life. Oh, I know that was such a corny statement! The real truth is that if I don’t write things down, I forget. Honestly, I do love going back through my journals to see patterns of what God was teaching me. For almost one full year, God was clearly teaching me how my mouth reflected my heart’s condition.
In the verse above, David wanted God to “rise up against the rage of his enemies” and decree justice. God was David’s refuge and he knew the All-Knowing God. David was thankful and sang God’s praises in the midst of being hunted by Saul and his men.
This morning my heart and soul were downcast. I woke up after 12 hours of sleep feeling worse than I did when I went to sleep. I had this overwhelming saddening sense that my day was fleeting, my days with my family were fleeting and that my life was fleeting.
As I drove my sister’s Fiat with the top down in the beautiful sunshine to Olympic Village in Squaw Valley to meet up with my family, the tears started streaming down my cheeks.
“Why God? Why the sadness and tears now? You are bigger than my physical limitations and pain, bigger than my emotions going haywire, bigger than my aloneness!” How can I be sad in the midst of having such a wonderful time with my son, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew? Usually I want to rush through the tears and ‘get a grip’. My instinct is to call Mike to help me feel better, but it’s been on my heart to go to God when I’m sad to be comforted by the One who knows all of me.
As I search my heart and mind to explain the tears, I sense my Heavenly Father telling me, “I know your heart and mind, cherished daughter.” As the tears continue to stream, I understand that I don’t need to know the answer, God knows. He examines thoroughly my heart and mind and understands me when I don’t.
My heart overflows with thanksgiving for His love, the tears stop and I catch up with my family and enjoy God’s breathtakingly, beautiful, snow covered mountains.